In everyday life – not just divorce – putting ourselves first is a necessity. And it’s certainly not easy, especially when a spouse, children, a career, and family members are in the picture. But your own general well-being needs to be looked after because when you’re happy, everything around you is just better.
Saying “no” doesn’t mean that we are being mean or self-centred. What it means is that we’re taking ownership of our life, and we’re telling those around us that the narrative that they’re trying to bring upon us just doesn’t work for us. It’s wonderful to be there and supportive for our family and friends, and we really should be as much as we can. But sometimes, saying NO is exactly what YOU need for your own well-being.
Tony Robbins released a video earlier in 2019 entitled “The Power of Saying No.”
He says, “‘No’ – it’s a small word that packs a lot of power. It carries with it an invisible force that can make it feel like overly oppressive, or even like a dirty word. We’re often taught that saying ‘no’ is a negative thing, that it hurts those around us and causes us to miss out on new, exciting opportunities. It’s no wonder so many people are uncomfortable saying it. But the truth is, when you say ‘no,’ you’re not saying ‘I hate you,’ and you’re not insulting someone, you’re simply exercising your right to say ‘no’. You’re respecting your feelings.”
That couldn’t be more accurate. We’re so conditioned to being accommodating to everyone around us that we start to feel bad when we have to turn others down. But that doesn’t make any sense, does it?
I’m not suggesting that you walk around and start yelling, “no, no, no!” to everyone. Practice a little moderation. As a people-pleaser, I remember the first time I said “no” to someone. I broke into a cold sweat, expecting the worst… and they actually didn’t mind. I had stepped into a new power and felt liberated! I have since found that it’s actually kind to say “no”. For most people, they simply ask for things as a request and hearing “no” has always been an option to them.
Do you ever get that nagging feeling when someone asks you for something or to do something for them? You say yes, but in your heart you really want to say no. They ask to borrow money, when they are financially irresponsible, to help with a relationship, when it’s already toxic, to give of your time when you know it’s going to affect your health or your family, to sacrifice something when you know it’s going to cost you. This is your opportunity to say “no” to bring positivity back to your own life. This is a moment where you have to say “no”, or you’ll risk being dragged down into a terrible situation yourself. That is being kind – believe me!
Your experience through divorce is not much different from this. Your mental health will be put to the test, so you have to ensure that you do as much as you can for your own best interest. It may come from your former spouse, his/her family, your children, your boss, your own family, or even your friends. Not saying “yes” to everything that’s thrown at you is ok.
Stop saying yes when you really want to say no. “Thank you for asking, but I really can’t take that on right now”, or “that’s not for me” are both perfectly fine answers. By saying yes to something you don’t want to agree to, you just end up feeling stressed and resentful.
Saying no – by doing this more often, you’ll learn to let go of the pain and bitterness that comes with these beliefs. In “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, he says that he believes we create and maintain problems because they give us a sense of identity. This could very well explain why we often hold onto our pain far beyond its ability to serve us.
We need to be reminded that there will never be a time when life is simple. Every moment is a chance to let go and feel peaceful in divorce and beyond, too. It’s ok to do what YOU want in order to live your authentic life. A life that serves you. If that means you need to say no, feel confident and just say “no”.
And as always, I’m here to answer your questions and lead you in the right direction. Remember, you’re not alone. Contact me today!